Happiness

originally posted on Aug 7, 2009

Some people say happiness is a choice. That happiness is a state of mind, such that no matter what the situation or circumstance maybe, one can still choose to be happy.
To a certain extent, I agree that happiness is indeed a choice. I would not have found myself smiling, laughing or just feeling contented in some days if I didn’t choose to forget my worries and just be happy even for just that moment.

But sometimes, I can’t help but wish that happiness for me stops being a choice. I can’t help but wish that one day, I’ll wake up without having to convince myself I am happy and rather find happiness just flows naturally for me, ceasing to be something I have to think about but starts being rather just a feeling – instead of thinking happy, I am feeling happy. I wish for that kind of happiness.

I long also for the kind of happiness that’s not rooted in any area of one’s life but rather blossoms from the entirety of one’s being. At this point in my life, happiness for me has become a niche. I am happy only in certain areas of my life, in certain moments of my day. Although that is a blessing in itself, I can’t help but wish to become happy just because – to be happy not for a particular reason but just be generally happy.

I had a friend who once told me my smile has never been the same ever since. It somehow never reaches the corner of my eyes as it used to. My family has also told me the same thing. They said it’s as if something inside me has died, like that core of my being capable of feeling happy has left me. It’s a sad, sad thought but each day I try to fight it, refusing to believe it’s true. Some days, I find myself successful in convincing myself, other days like today, I can’t help but feel that it has become my life’s reality.

Days like today make me realize I am not yet healed. I envy others who have gone through the same experience and yet were able to bounce back without even looking back. My sister once asked me what’s taking me so long to recover when it’s already been 2 years. Maybe it’s because my heart got broken into million tiny pieces that it may take more than a lifetime for it to ever be whole again. Maybe it’s because the experience of giving my entire being, my heart and soul to someone only to get rejected in the end, is something so shattering and numbing that until now I am lost on how I can ever get back to feeling good about myself.

I know my problems or what I’ve gone through is nothing compared to others who have had bigger trials in life. Thinking this somehow allows me to make light of my own situation but often, I still feel a huge weight on my shoulders. This brings me to remember that series Ally McBeal when in one episode she was asked by one of her friends, “Why are your problems always seem bigger than the rest of us?” To this Ally McBeal replies, “Because they are mine.” And that’s exactly how I feel. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way anymore. I know that common sense tells me it’s been too long already and that I should just be happy to have gotten out of it sooner rather than later. I know that I should be happy for I have been blessed with such wonderful family and friends and with Bea who has grown healthy, smart and beautiful. I know I have lots of things to be thankful for, so many blessings in my life, and yet I still feel sad and empty.

But I have to say not once did I choose to feel like this. Not once did I tell myself, “No, I want to be sad and lonely and pity myself.” Not once did I tell myself , “I’d rather focus on things I don’t have rather than the things I have.” These feelings and thoughts I may not have chosen but I do recognize I have to do something to overcome these sad feelings and thoughts sooner than later. And every night I pray and ask God’s grace that I may start feeling like my old self again, to break away from the past and just move forward with excitement and gratefulness rather than dread. I don’t expect change will happen overnight. I realize it’s a process, it’s a journey. Others might have reached the end sooner but as it’s not a race, I recognize I have to travel this path at my own pace.

I will get there. I know I will get there. With faith, hope and trust in myself and in God, I know I will. I just wish and pray my friends and family will be patient enough to wait for me to reach the end on my own. No prodding is required, only love and support and belief that I will be okay, that I will soon smile again with the corners of my eyes crinkling and my eyes twinkling.

Now more than ever I need my family and friends to sincerely believe I will be okay and not think otherwise. To remain positive, unyielding in their support and unquestioning in my ability to move on. Advices or words are not needed. A simple hug will do. Just one will come a long way to making me feel what I need to feel most at this point in my life – loved.

Good thing I have a constant supplier of hugs. My Bea is definitely a good starting point.