Best Mom Ever

originally posted on Aug 7, 2009

November 2007. Three months after I got separated, to say the very least I was still not okay. At that time I cry a whole lot although I try not to let Bea see how much. I would cry in bed only once I know Bea’s already asleep. There was one day though when I thought Bea was still in her room taking her afternoon nap. I was in the sala and was crying my heart out. After a few minutes of sobbing, I saw Bea come out of her room. She just turned 2 years old that time. I saw her face was really happy and excited as she got out of her room (must be out of excitement at the prospect of watching tv/dvd and playing again after her nap) but once she saw me on the sofa crying, I saw her face fell instantly. She rushed to me and gave me a hug and said “Awww, why are you crying mommy? Please stop crying. Please don’t cry. Stop crying please.” And continued onto wiping my tears away with her lampin.

That gesture made me cry even more and I realized how grave the emotional mess I was in because even my 2 year old daughter was comforting me. At a tender age, Bea got a taste of being a mom to her own mom. I suddenly became the baby in the picture and she the adult.

I wrote this in one of my old entries that as much as I would want to remain strong, indestructible for my daughter, I just can’t. I can’t always put up the front that I am a supermom, that I am devoid of any human emotions such as sadness, loneliness, helplessness because I know I am not capable of always putting up a brave front. But I know I should try harder because I am the mom anyway so my daughter should be drawing strength from me. In our case though, in more than one occasion, it’s the other way around as often I find myself drawing my strength from her.

She has become my protector, my comforter of some sort. Whenever I tell her I am not feeling well, she would immediately tell me “Mommy, you have to go see a doctor tomorrow, okay so you’ll feel better. Promise me you’ll go see a doctor, mommy. Promise?” Or when I tell her my tummy hurts or my head hearts, she would immediately kiss that area of my body to make the “ouchie” go away. Then when I get home from work, she would ask me “How did your day go in the office, mommy?”. She asked me this one night and I realized my daughter has become my own mother, husband, daughter rolled into one. I realized at 3 years old, she has made my life complete and suddenly became my partner in life.

Bea alone lights up my life and gives it meaning and purpose. At this point I must admit I am still a long way from being completely, 100% happy but seeing my daughter grow, just looking at her gives me tremendous joy and pride. I realize even though there are lots of things lacking in my life right now, both personal and professional, Bea can instantly fill the void by simply throwing a smile my way. The love and joy she gives me is enough to last me a life time and erase the pain away.

She alone is my inspiration, my life, my love. If only for her I will continue to strive to be better, stronger, happier for she only deserves the best mom. I vow, and this is my promise to her, that my whole life I will never stop being or at least trying to be the best mom she deserves. I may stumble and fall along the way but I pray and hope that I can pick myself up soon enough and carry along to fulfill my promise –

my promise to be the best mom ever.