Between 2006 and 2009 - What Changed?

originally posted on Jan 17, 2009

I’m currently reading my old blog entries, the ones I wrote while I was still married. I can’t help but feel I was so wise that time, with so many insightful thoughts to share with Bea. After my marriage failed though, I can’t seem to get back to that zone – that zone where I sincerely know I know more about life and how to live it than during my adolescent or college years.

It may be because when I was writing those entries, I was really happy and at peace with life (not necessarily with my partner but just the idea of being married made me happy and at peace). I guess I couldn’t help but feel on top of the world at that time because I was living the life that I have always planned for myself. I was actually living the timeline I have set for myself.

After a failed marriage though, I became lost. Tentative. Insecure. Scared. Unwise.

I thought then, how could I possibly teach Bea anything about life if my own life was in shambles, where at 27 years old I found myself seemingly back to 0 -- having to rebaseline life goals and come up yet again with a plan on how to achieve those. With all my friends moving on to bigger things, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, I felt I was going the other way and instead of going forward, I was moving backward.

Comparing my 2006 blog entries with the ones I have written here so far, the change is quite disconcerting for me. I feel Bea can learn so much more from my previous entries as there I tackle topics about life, experiences, lessons she can actually learn from and apply once she’s older. Those were the kind of entries I hope to start writing again because I started blogging precisely for that reason. Not to chronicle events in our lives or simply make kwento of our activities together but I want to actually write experiences that mattered to me, that changed me, and made me learn life lessons that I hope to impart with her.

I want to think I have come a long way from August 2007 when my life’s path was drastically altered. I want to think I am in a much better place now. I now have a better control of my life and emotions. I have grown independent and focused. No longer tentative, becoming more and more secure as each day pass by. Wiser? Probably. Happier? Yes, more often than not, I find myself smiling and looking forward to tomorrow. At peace? No, I definitely still have a long way to go in that area. I need to start executing the steps that will completely put me in a blank slate.
As Benjamin Button said, if one becomes unsuccessful, there’s no other way to go but to start over. And with that, life can only be better, grander and happier.

Here’s to a wonderful 2009 – moving on, moving forward, without looking back.