When you find yourself crushing...

One of the things I miss after getting married is the feeling of having a “crush”, especially that kilig feeling which comes with having one. It’s not that it’s a crime for married girls to have crushes, it’s just that the experience is far different from when you’re single. That part especially of anticipating the unknown, entertaining the possibility of having that crush of yours notice you (not even talk to you, just having him look at your direction) is gone now that I’m married. And that actually for me is the best part of having a crush – the looking forward part, yun tipong nagfifeeling ka at naghohope na meron mangyayari sa inyong dalawa kahit na the guy doesn’t even know you exist, that daydreaming of eventually the day will come when you will see yourself and your crush on a date, holding hands, staring at each other’s eyes, getting all sappy… Bwehehe. (I like to think this romantic, dreamy side exists in most girls, that it’s innate in most of us to be illusionada at di lang ako. Hehehe.)

So, now I can’t help but reminisce my “crush” days and remember my best “crush” moments. The most notable of all my crushes and worthy to be told to you is my college crush. Oh my gosh sweetie, if there is one guy I would give up your dad for, it will be him! Hahaha. Actually, I remember, back in college, telling your Ninang Michelle and Aleta and my childhood friends, that even when I find myself married and I meet this guy again and he would declare his love for me (he probably would tell me he was pining for me since college!), I would leave my husband in a heartbeat! Hahaha. (Of course I was just joking then since now that I am married I can never see myself leaving your dad for another guy, college crush or not – [ows? hehe]). Until now, his license car number is still etched on my mind (stalker alert! Hehe) and I can still remember his face vividly and in fact I get kilig pa just by thinking of how he looked like back then (hahaha…landi ba ni mommy? I just can’t be blamed sweetie because he is THAT goodlooking! For me at least…). And the best part of this crush of mine is I felt at that time he also had a crush on me but was just shy or afraid to make a move (now, this was when the illusionada side of me surfaced…hehe). But no, really I think he did have a crush on me. Just to illustrate, here were my best “crush” moments with this guy that were witnessed and told to me by my college friends (Ninang Michelle, Aleta, et al): [WARNING: The following may be the most outrageous illusionada stories you would ever read.]

• More than once, my college friends saw him staring at me when I pass by him, along the corridors, cafeteria and in more instances than once, we would hear his friends teasing him “Go pare, go! So torpe naman!” (yes honey, those guys speak that way. Remember, they were Ateneans and very conyotic so they speak the same English as the Assumptionistas and Povedans. Hehe)
• There was a time when I was getting some stuff from my locker (which was just by the classroom this guy was in) and my friends caught him hiding behind the classroom door, looking at me. (This may sound creepy but I swear it was a to die for moment for me, which brought me the kind of kilig that turned my knees into jelly and my stomach felt to seemingly be filled with thousands of butterflies after!)
• One day, there was a show in the cafeteria, some guy playing the acoustic guitar and singing Gary Valenciano’s “Sana Maulit Muli”, and Michelle swore by this that all the while the song was being played, this guy was staring at me! (from a distance of course since we were seated on separate tables. O diba? It’s very videoke moment! hehe)
• Another scene in the cafeteria that only strengthened my belief that he had a crush on me was when he approached our table. He was on the act of tapping my shoulder (since my back was on him) when he suddenly made an about face and walked away. (For us, the only plausible reason why he couldn’t talk to me or was always shy around me was because he liked me!)

And the list of my illusionada moments goes on and on..hehe. But the above scenes were really the most memorable ones. Now, you may wonder if that guy really liked me and I really liked the guy, why the hell did nothing happen between us (not even a semblance of a good conversation considering I never got to talk to him except maybe a line or two, hi hello lang ganyan!)? Well, the reason being I was so painstakingly shy around him (and probably he also). I freeze everytime I see him. My mind goes blank, my hands get clammy. That was how powerful this guy’s impact was on me that to this day, he was the only guy I never got the guts to talk to. Haaaay….That’s why until now, when I reminisce about the college days with your ninangs, we regret not being more outgoing that time. Our college life would have been more exciting and colorful if we were but then again, it was fun nevertheless so there should be no regrets.

Anyway, I’m digressing. But yeah, the reason why that guy and I didn’t end up together may also simply because we were not meant to be. As much as we like each other, God just had different plans for us. Or pwede rin naman talaga feeling lang ako. For all I know, he was actually really looking at one of my friends and not me (or pwede rin pala na he had his moments of kadulingan na I never noticed...haha). And actually, I think rin girls can be more "feeling" when it comes to their crushes, perhaps because we notice every single thing that they do. Very intense! So it's not very far-fetched that I probably was merely a victim of too much daydreaming back then, that I tended to hallucinate and mistook my illusions to be the reality! hahaha.
And on this note, one thing I learned about crushes is never take them seriously. A crush should simply be seen as a source of kilig, an inspiration for you to always look and act your best. Never allow your illusion to go overdrive and come to a point when you fervently wish you and your crush will end up together, as you may just end up crushed when you don’t. Actually, I like to think that is the reason why a crush is called as such. It’s “crush” because it depicts something that is fleeting, one that can instantly be gone, eradicated or “crushed”.

So sweetie, by the time you find yourself crushing on a guy, just take everything as it is. No expectations. No serious illusions. No wild imagination. Just simply see him as someone who can bring a smile on your face and drive you to the best hygiene and fashion sense possible. That’s it. Nothing more.