Lost

I’m at a point when I have lost the capacity to feel. I am numb. I never thought I would ever find myself in this place. I have always been the kind of person who is full of life, always game for anything and everything, never fails to be in touch with my emotions and make sense of my thoughts and the circumstances of life I find myself in.

But now, I think all the variety of emotions I went through the past years have taken their toll on me. I found myself in a whirlwind of emotions the last three years of my life. I’ve been in the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows and all other emotions that fall in between. It’s as if I have felt in those years all kinds of emotions there are that any human being are capable of feeling. So now it’s as if I got too tired of feeling already. It’s as if I am just letting my life get hold of me. I am no longer in control of it. I am just letting myself be – passively waiting for what else is there to come in my life.

It’s not good. I want to feel like my old self again. Er, scratch that. I NEED to be my old self again. That’s why now, more than ever, I need to surround myself with friends and family who will remind me of my old self, of who I was and how good my life was before I found myself in such a mess.

I am lost and need to be found again.

Let Me Fall

It’s October again
The leaves are coming down
One more year’s come and gone
And nothing’s changed at all

Wasn’t I supposed to be someone
To face the things that I’ve been running from

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I cry a little, die a little
At least I know I lived
Just a little

I’ve become much too good
At being invincible
I’m an expert at play it safe
And keep it cool
But I swear
This isn’t who I meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll over me

I wanna be somebody
Who can face the things that I’ve been running from

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I cry a little, die a little
At least I know I lived

It’s October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year’s come and gone
And nothing’s changed at all

Control

I have to gain back control of my life somehow.
It’s getting more and more pathetic.
I myself am becoming more and more pathetic.

I have to regain that power.
I need to feel on top again (this line is not meant to be dirty, huh?).

I need to feel that rush of excitement again.
Of being in the center of things.
Of being in control.

My life can’t just be this.
I am worth more than this.
I deserve more.
I have the right to yearn for more.

I have to act now.
Fast.

It’s time to move on.
And never look back.

Game on!

Big Girls Don't Cry

Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending...

Do they?

It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry.

Supermom

I have been silent on blog for quite some time now. Ever since I launched my multiply website, I never got to open blogger until tonight. I guess my obsession over blogging has been replaced by my greedy desire to check if I got any new orders on my online shop or any new inquiries about my items.

Or maybe, I am just using that as an excuse to cover up the real reason why I am not blogging as much these past weeks.

Oh well sweetie, it’s really because I am not feeling “wise” these days. I don’t think your mom is at her best at this exact moment, at this exact point in her life, enough to give you any words of wisdom or give you a taste of her own life experiences that you can learn from.

Your mom is simply lost – unknowing of where life is to take her, the kind of future that awaits her. They say “mothers know best”. But do I as as your mom really know best? If you ask me now, I will say no. For right this instant, I know nothing. I don’t have an answer for all the questions that you may throw at me now if only you are already old enough to understand and speak out. I myself can’t understand my own thoughts, can’t make sense of my own emotions, so how else can I possibly make you understand or even help you sort out your own thoughts, your own emotions?

I was led to believe that when you become a parent, it becomes automatic that you know instantly what will be best for your child, without any second thoughts. But do I really know that for certain? How can I know exactly if the decisions I have made so far or the decisions I will make in the future will only have positive effects on you? There is no guarantee in that so really, half the decisions I make in life will be based merely on blind faith, on the hope that everthing will turn out great for my baby, inspite of and despite of whatever mistakes I am bound to commit.

For even if I make myself a superhero in your eyes, the one who will always be there to protect you, to save you, to guide you, in the end I am just human. I am no superhero. I am no supermom. I am just a human being who breaks and falls at times. And when the time comes that you’re older and I find myself being at the same state as I am now, be prepared to switch roles. For that time may come when it’s your turn to be the superchild, the one who will protect, save, guide and comfort me.

For really, sweetie, no matter how hard I try, I am no supermom. I can only be the best human mom as I know how for you. I am bound to make mistakes. I am bound to not know everything. I am bound to fall, be hurt, to struggle. The one thing though that I can guarantee is the fact that no matter what point I find myself in my life, I can say with my whole being, that I live for you. You are my life and that alone is the only certainty I will and can ever live by.

lovebheiaccessories

I just like to inform everyone that my multiply website for my Bhei collection is finally up (after a million or so years...)! I am so happy. The products I posted there may not be a lot but I am glad nonetheless for it's a start.

Finally, I can share with everyone my passion. My design may not look professional or polished or hip for some, but for me each piece is special as every item carries with it a piece of me.

You can visit my site at http://lovebheiaccessories.multiply.com/. Feel free to drop some comments on my guestbook and of course to spread the word about my site to your friends.

By the way, special thanks to my good friend Lhot for customizing my site. Thanks friend! :D

I know where I want to go, but...

Where?
Where do we go from here?
It’s not exactly clear…(lalalala…)

I am not sure if you know this song. It’s so 80’s I think so baka ako na lang nakakaalala ng kantang ito. Hehe. But as I was staring at my laptop just a second ago, this song popped into my head out of nowhere. I don’t know why. I haven’t even heard a single sentimental song that would remind me of this (as I am actually listening to my hard core hip-hop mp3s.) Hmmmm….but anyway, with these 3 lines though, I couldn’t help but feel that these lines exactly describe my current state of mind.

Because for the entire week really, I kinda found myself in limbo with my current work. My mind is all over the place. To sum it up: It’s here. It’s there. It’s everywhere. BUT IT. It’s funny because almost a year ago, I found myself in the same state. I was obsessing about the thought of finally conquering my passion, getting the courage to finally bid my corporate existence goodbye and say hello to what my heart has been screaming that I do for months (and maybe even years). And now, I am finding myself in the same state again. Only this time, it’s so harder now to fully say goodbye to a 9 to 5 job as I need financial security now more than ever. But then again, on the other side, now I actually have more time to do something about my passion and kinda like plant the seeds that will eventually allow me to take it on full time.

Hmmm…so now, I guess the question really is not anymore so much as where do I want to go. I already know where I want to go. I just don’t know yet how to get there. Or I already know how to get there except that I need support.

Gosh, I have to figure this out soon before it completely drives me insane. Or worse, before that fire in me completely dies down.

So really, I need to get there…FAST! HELP!

Bea's 1st Birthday Party Photos

I know this is old news already but let me just share here the photos taken by my photographer friend Gezelle during Bea's 1st birthday party. To those who read my blog entry about preparing for this birthday bash, pay close attention to the party decors. :D

The Seven Year Itch

I know this may seem de ja vu but allow me to say this again…Oh my gosh! I can’t believe that it’s been 2 months since my last blog entry! I really feel bad not being true to my word, my promise that I would constantly update my blog with entries about my experiences, thoughts, insights that you, my little Bea, can learn from and make you feel you know more about me your mommy dearest. Oh well, I really can’t say I am that surprised that I neglected my blog this bad. It’s just that so much has happened to me and our family the past months that I couldn’t help but get side tracked and be immersed with the realities of our lives.

For one, the most major thing that happened the past month, after 7 long years, I finally left my first job last April 11 and started with a new one last April 16. This was one decision that was so hard for me to make as I am really not the kind of person who likes change that much. Once I find my comfort zone, I really have a hard time parting with it. In fact leaving it for the most part becomes an unthinkable thought for me. I never want to experience that fear of the unknown. I hate the anxiety that goes with it…the questions – the whys, the what ifs, the hows.

And to say the least, my first job had become my security blanket. Although I have long wanted to leave that company for reasons I never clearly defined in my head, it was really only this year that my desire to move out and move on came from within me. I found the reason to leave within myself and not from outside like before. My reason was no longer because so many of my friends have resigned already but because I realized I was no longer growing, no longer maturing in the career I’ve chosen. I found myself in a rut, in a routine where each day, I find myself doing the same thing, resolving the same issues, opening the same file, writing the same emails. I realized for the longest time I never had a chance to introduce a change, for in a system that was so set, so defined, I was reduced to merely following the process that was handed out to me and eventually lost that window to instigate a difference. That organization has grown so big that I lost my voice. Our senior executives have become invisible. They seemed to have gotten caught up in the conceptual sense of management -- analyzing metrics, completing the 100 million documents that they say “define” a project -- that they forgot the most basic, yet most important, area of leadership which is establishing a relationship with their people. Their people merely became a number, a term for which the term “FTE” was coined. The personal touch got lost along the way which actually is a sad, sad reality for how can these managers expect to inspire and motivate their people if they don’t sit down with them and talk about what they as managers can and should do for their people. For the longest time, the talks were all about what the team needed to do for the project, the deliverables that had to be completed, but rarely were there instances that the manager actually said something to motivate their people, that cause their people to sit up and listen.

Now, I must say I eventually became one of those leaders who failed to engage and inspire their people and set direction for them. And I never wanted to be such. And yes, I admit, there may have been an opportunity for me to revolutionize an area, but because I myself was not motivated, I let that chance flew right across my head. I was so caught up in a routine, in a cyclic process, that I failed to see anything else outside of that circle. At that point, when I realized how bad I have gotten, when it seemed I no longer have anything to give to my old organization, I decided it’s time for me to search for motivation elsewhere, to find another company that can gain more from what I can offer, from which I can learn from in as much as it can learn from me.

And I have found that company. I’ll never know what will happen to me here. I may love my work here and enjoy my stay so much that it will see the last of my corporate life. Or I might go back to that company once I finally have something new to offer. Who knows? This may just be that seven year itch.

I'm Back! Hello 2007!

It’s been weeks since my last entry and I feel bad having missed writing entries about special occasions such as Christmas, New Year, my birthday and Valentine’s Day. Oh well, though late, why not make up for it, right? So here goes. My succeeding entries, starting with this one, will focus on the many thoughts, realizations and learning I had from these events.

New Year 2007. We ushered the New Year cooped up at our house in Libis unlike last year when we spent it in Tagaytay. This year your dad and I decided in order to bring in good luck to our home and family, we need to be in Libis and welcome the New Year at our very own house. So we did just that. I marinated some steaks and had yayi grill them. I cooked gravy and soup but naturally, your dad had to come in and recook everything. Hehehe. Not that the food I cooked wasn’t great but only because your dad’s standards were just too damn high! (woooo…excuses!). Anyway, we also had 13 different kinds of fruits set out as we believed this would bring us good luck for the year or so the Chinese say.

So there, our new year was quite uneventful although it’s not really different from the past New Years I’ve had. For as long as I could remember, even when I was still single, our family rarely celebrates New Year with a bang. No fireworks, no grand parties. Your ingkong would turn the volume up on all our stereos and honk on the cars’ horns and after we eat our simple media noche. That’s how simple we usher in New Year. The one thing though that I did the first time this particular new year was list down my new year’s resolutions. I was never a believer of this tradition but I decided to do one as I have goals I set for myself that I so badly want to accomplish this year. Hopefully, this list could be a constant reminder that would prod me to turn my wishes to reality. The following are the top 2 on my list!

Lose 20 lbs by November (tied up with this of course is not gain any additional pound!)Again, I still haven’t completely lost all the pounds I gained while I was pregnant with you (yes, I’m still blaming my fat ass on you! Hehe). But this is not to say I never did anything to lose weight. In fact, as soon as I knew my scar from the caesarian operation was healed, I enrolled myself in Fitness First. I did go to the gym for some months 4 times a week, running on treadmill and bicycle machine, doing crunches and weights, making sure I spend at least an hour exercising. But then I decided to stop because I realized my going to the gym after work took away precious time that I could have spent with you. During the time when I was an avid gym goer, I get home at 10 pm when you were already asleep. I wasn’t able to play with you or cuddle you and that for me was just too much sacrifice for losing unwanted pounds and so I suspended my gym membership. Until now I have the same sentiments. I still rather go straight home so I could play with you which meant I have to find other ways to lose weight. I am still in the process of finding the best formula for this one but in the meantime I have already cut down my food intake with hope that I could once again fit in my old clothes and wear a bikini this summer!

Start driving againI actually learned to drive when I was in 3^rd year college. Unfortunately, I didn’t immediately immerse myself in it and so I was never able to practice and perfect the skill. And then the fact that I got myself a driver soon after college didn’t intensify my desire to actually start driving. Although I did find myself driving myself to work quite a number of times before but the fact that I lack confidence in my driving, I had to leave our house for Makati at 530 am to be sure there won’t be other vehicles in the road with me while I am driving. Pathetic right? And to think I should have found driving easy at that time since I was driving a Fiat Uno which was not far from a bump car! But no, because of fear, I stuck with relying on a driver. But now that I am a mom, I would so love to start driving again as I want to be able to run my errands without having to rely on your dad and not to mention of course so I could drive myself to work already. Then eventually, I would want to be the one to drive you to school and pick you up from wherever. Haaay…I just need to build my confidence really as I already know the basics (except maybe parking? Hehe). Hmmm….I think this calls for another session with Mr. A1 or Mr. Socialites. I can just imagine the bewilderment on my would-be-instructor’s face when he finds out that his student is an actual license holder! Hahaha. Blame it on LTO fixers.

So there. Those are just 2 of my New Year's resolution. I will keep you posted on my progress but as early as now, I am confident that by the end of the year, I would have accomplished these goals. This, my dear, is the power of positive thinking. I just need to believe it will happen, and it will.

First Steps

Last December 18 marked your very first independent steps! I was so glad I was sick in your loli’s house and didn’t report for work because if not, I would not have witnessed this great milestone.

It was in the lanai where you had your first steps. What I did was I had you hold Mr. Bear’s hand as I held the other. Then as you were walking, I slowly released my hold of Mr. Bear’s hand and soon you walked 4 steps all by yourself! Wutwoo!

That time I thought you would be walking independently pretty soon. However, as days passed by, I realized I was wrong. Although your interest in walking perked up and your love for exploring all areas of the house grew, your confidence didn’t. As you explore more, you sought my hand to hold on to more and more. It appeared your discovery of independence, of the unknown, only intensified your fear, your uncertainty.

And in life, many times you’ll find yourself uncertain. At first of course, when you find yourself anticipating a new experience or a new meeting, you feel excited, you can’t wait for you to get there. But once you’re there, once you’re in it, you can’t help but feel scared, uncertain.

You’ll come across this uncertainty at many points in your life – first day at school, first crush/boyfriend, first job interview, engagement, marriage – and during these times, keep in mind that my hand will always be ready to hold yours for support as I have done the first time you took your first steps.

I am always here Bea. I am always here for you. Remember that.