Leaving in a Jet Plane

March 30, 2013 was the day I left for the US for my one year assignment in Atlanta, Georgia.  This has got to be the day I dreaded the most for it marked the day I had to leave Bea behind.  From the day Bea was born, the longest we were ever apart was when I had to go to Mumbai, India back in 2010 for a one month training (Sept 1-25) and at that time Bea was just 5 years old.  Bea went with me to the airport when I left for India and I remember her hugging me so tightly in the car while crying and asking me not to go.  It was so hard for me then that the whole time I was waiting for boarding I just cried quietly and could literally feel my heart breaking at that time.  So when I came to know that my US assignment was already final back in January 2013, I knew the sadness that I felt leaving Bea behind for one month when I went to Mumbai would be 100 times worse.  

Accepting the US assignment was one of the toughest decisions I had to make.  I went back and forth on this as I was torn between earning a good sum of money and of course having to leave Bea behind.  I had so many apprehensions as to what that 1 year separation could do to Bea’s psyche and childhood memory.  Would this be something that would scar her for the rest of her life?  Would this be something I’ll regret in the long run?  Would this affect my relationship with Bea such that she would later on resent me for leaving her and making her feel abandoned as a child?  There were so many fears running through my head in the months leading up to my departure and while I was in the US.  As much as I tried making Bea understand at 7 years old why I had to leave her, I knew I still have to do something so that later on when Bea is older and she remembers me not being beside her when she was 7, she will understand.  And so I write this letter for Bea now which she can read when she’s older as I want her to know and understand why I had to make that painful decision.

Dear Bea,

I don’t know how old you are now as you read this letter.  I imagine you must be 14 or 15 years old which is the age anyway that I am thinking of finally passing on to you this book of blog that I’ve written down when you were a kid.  Like with the rest of the stories, random thoughts, musings that come with this book of blog, this letter is intended for you to read when you’re old enough to understand.  I am writing this to take you back to the time when you were 7 years old.  Did you remember that time when I had to go live in the US for one year for work and you were left in the care of your Loli Onggay and Ingkong in Tandang Sora? I don’t know as I write this what that 1 year of separation from me did to you and its impact in your life (if there’s even any at all as it could be that particular episode didn’t even make a significant dent in your memory) but in any case I want to explain here why I had to do that and make you understand.

Here’s a status I posted then in Facebook on March 28, 2013 that I think pretty much sums up the state I was in and yours as well at that time.

“March 30 is just 2 sleeps away which means I am 2 sleeps away from leaving my baby behind. Tonight, just shortly after turning off the light, I saw Bea crying quietly. I asked her what's wrong and she told me it's because she will miss me so much when I go. I asked her what is it that you will miss most about mommy? I was expecting she'll say she'll miss me taking her out to the mall, movies, shopping. It broke my heart to hear her say "I'll miss everything about you, mommy".

This is so painful. The coming months I know will be very tough for me and could be almost unbearable. I just hope time will fly by so fast that before I know it I have my baby in my arms again. 

I love you, sweetie. Mommy will be home soon.”

I’ve been through a lot of tough times in my life and been faced with very difficult decisions but the hardest to date has been my decision to accept the US work assignment as it meant I had to leave you behind.  The months leading up to me leaving Manila I spent in sadness and apprehension, with just the thought of me not seeing you for 1 year made me feel as if my heart was literally breaking and at that time I often find myself crying uncontrollably beside you as you sleep.  We were joined to the hip.  From the day you were born, I never left your side (except for that one month stint in India) and we were each other’s perfect companion.  We do everything together and it follows of course that I’ve always been with you in every milestone of your life and have come to witness all the changes in you as you’ve grown into a fine young lady.  So just the thought that I wouldn’t be able to see the changes in you on your 7^th year made my heart heavy with sadness as I knew that one year would pass and I could never get it back.  I feared I would regret that but my desire to give you a better future outweighed all the rest in my decision.  

As a single mom, I didn’t have it easy especially in terms of our finances.  I needed to make sure I was earning enough for our needs and our dreams for the future.  Sadly though at that time I was struggling to put up savings for us both as what I was earning then was barely enough to cover all the expenses I had to pay for (your schooling, our Stamford condo in McKinley Hill, our house in West Wing Villas QC, SunLife insurance, car loan and all the other miscellaneous expenses).  My worries over our financial state, your future, our future, took their toll on me then as I found myself becoming more apprehensive, more fearful of what’s to come that in turn made me unhappy and my unhappiness consequently made me into a kind of mother you never deserve – impatient, distracted, and pessimistic.   So I chose then to go to the US so I could earn more, have enough to cover all our expenses and still have savings in the end.  I did that to have peace of mind in terms of our financial state and hopefully to enable me to finally do what I want to do in life and not be tied to a corporate job as I know the only way you could have a good mom is if you have a happy mom.  I did that to secure you a good future and hopefully provide me a starting means to give you the best life possible.

And throughout my stay in the US, I made sure to be present in your life as much as the physical distance between us would allow me.  I would call you every day, video chatted with you and I even somehow was still able to involve myself in your school affairs by corresponding regularly with your teachers to make sure you are progressing well.  I was with you Bea for that one year even when we were apart.  That was a vow I made to myself - that I would never make you feel you were abandoned by me and that you would still be as close and connected to me as if I was actually with you back in Manila.   I hope you would tell me I was successful at keeping that promise and that I was able to make you feel loved and supported by me even when I was thousands of miles away that year.

From the day you were born, you’ve become my life and so every decision I make you must remember, it’s all for your own good and my decision to leave that 2013 is no different.  I love you so much Bea.  I will do anything, I will sacrifice everything to give you a good life and bring you happiness in life and in heart.

Love,

Mommy